Land of the Free (some assembly required)

I’ve earned this good American life of
Rent your sister? Buy my wife!
Watch the way the corn gets shucked,
lease this car; it gets you fucked.

Eat more candy, fix your teeth,
find out which boy lies beneath
your teenage daughter. Spy-cams here!
Get them now, but pay next year.

Low percentage, no fine print,
free long distance (unlike Sprint).
Brand new, pre-owned, hardly used:
1-900-be-abused.

Download, upload, fast connection,
we can boost your next erection,
Co-eds, schoolgirls, she-males, boys,
watch them play with rubber toys.

Buy on margin, sign-up now.
Don’t miss out on this cash cow.
Get great abs, make new friends.
Buy one egg and get two hens.

Be the first with a Nazi Hummer.
Fat Camp means no kids this Summer.
Call toll-free to make a wish,
screw basic cable, get a dish.

Eat at Joe’s, we give free stamps,
trade them in for UV lamps.
Got skin cancer? We do peels.
Rollerskaters go down on wheels.

Liposuction, tummy tucks?
Try Pick Six; win a million bucks.
No purchase needed, enter now,
lose that weight, just ask me how.

Join our cult, we’ll sell your house.
Learn the truth about Mickey Mouse!
I was abducted! Read her story.
Worship God and feel the glory.

Don’t live poor, retire in style!
Anger first and then denial.
This 12 step program really works,
forget the rapture and those other jerks.

Scared of your colon? Wear our patches!
Smokey says, don’t play with matches.
Gay rights now! Ban all Fags!
Show your pride and buy more flags.

ERA and I don’t mean baseball,
meat-free hotdogs by the case-full.
Repent all sinners the end is nigh.
Legalize the natural high.

Use our cream for cellulite,
feel your buns snap high and tight
Happy with your personal hygiene?
End cold sores fast with our new Lysine.

Change the channel, don’t touch that dial.
Film at eleven. Bloating? Bile?
Our antacid soothes sore chests,
it also gives you firmer breasts

Buy this spray and lose those crabs.
Don’t buy union! Don’t use scabs!
Vote for Me I’m on the ticket.
Don’t buy grapes! Support the picket!

Learn to Channel; speak to Michael.
Invest, consume, destroy, recycle.
Get rich quick before you die.
Operators standing by….

(May cause vomiting.)

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