Betty didn’t believe Ed (Mr. Krumpler to you) about them drilling in the Arctic, but anyway she certainly doesn’t think the analogy makes the idea of selling their daughter’s virginity to the highest bidder acceptable.
Mr. Krumpler says it’s just the most logical use of an important natural resource owned by the Krumpler family as a commercial unit operating for the universal good.
He’s also uncertain as to the intentions of the young Serbian family who recently moved in next-door-but-one and is giving consideration to a pre-emptive fire-bombing.
Mr. Krumpler, while something of a figure of fun in the larger community (amongst those milder folks who don’t hold him up as an object of utter scorn and derision), is serious in himself and about what needs doing.
He believes he is following the most civilized of precepts, to say nothing of what God manifestly intends first and foremost for all Krumplers.
He once kept a delivery boy locked in his basement (against the delivery boy’s will this was) until his wife (Betty) came home and testified that the delivery boy was indeed a bona fide delivery boy rather than an insurgent spy of some undetermined kind come to scope about amongst their inner sanctum the house.
Did this hurt the delivery boy’s feelings, let alone egregiously infringe upon his civil rights? Without question. Did the Krumplers lose respect amongst sections of the pizza delivery community of Hillside? Yes again. Yet still, Ed Krumpler would likely comment that while he will not and cannot be the world’s policeman, he must protect his people’s own interests at all costs and if that means interrogating for just cause a delivery boy who’s wearing a nametag with a foreign name on it or something that can’t easily be said by a normal American and is probably theretofore foreign then, yes, he will ask the questions first and worry about hurt feelings a sight later, if at all realistically.
He calls time-out on his errant kids by shouting Interdiction! and being grounded is known more simply as Lockdown!
Ed Krumpler is not above the law.
Ed Krumpler believes that while he is the leader of his own Krumpler community, the law must and may and can be kept as the servant of he who is right, rather than a constriction for use by the enemies of his constituency.
Mr. Krumpler was perhaps the first amongst us to realize the conspicuous sanguinity of fully understanding on a public stage and then ennuciating that freedom is not free per se and et al. That the four freedoms we hold self-evident to be obvious must be protected and kept safe and in a secret place during times of uncertainty and unrest, if necessary. For your own good.
He has designated these freedoms with the code names of North, South, East, and West. There is a provisional plan even now awaiting approval that provides for these freedoms to be scattered to the four winds as needed should he give the get-go from the command center of his briefcase which is in his briefcase to ensure that it is mobile and beside him at all times apart from the times when it’s behind him on the backseat seat of his lavender blue 1993 Chevy Suburban when he’s driving around keeping an eye out or just sitting in it, outside the bank, say, or the Elks Lodge listening to Nana Mouskouri (who isn’t bad for being Greek) on his portable CD player which plugs into the accepting female bit of the Suburban’s cigarette lighter thing, the male bit of which he threw out of the driver’s window by mistake when on the Garden State Parkway and angry at Don Imus for being such a phony dangerous liberal, which doesn’t matter too much now seeing as how for the good of the community, for America herself, he gave up smoking.
His daughter’s name is Mary. She’s still available at this time.